An Open Letter

[Brian]

Dear McDonalds,

 

When I order 20 McNuggets, I'm gonna need more than 2 packs of Sweet N Sour sauce.

 

Brian

[Texsox]

Dear driving the wrong way in the parking lot idiot,

 

See the bright yellow arrows painted on the pavement? See all the cars facing towards you? See me trying to get down the aisle? No f***ing way I'm backing up for your dumb ass. And while we're having this parking lot discussion, why are you pulling all the way through so you can take 15 minutes pulling forward and back to get out? You could have just parked regular.

 

Oops, one more, and probably unique to the Rio Grande Valley. Yes, we place our shopping carts behind other cars after unloading. I know it isn't what you do "up north". Up north you jam them alongside cars, scrapping paint and making it a pain in the ass for the cart movers. By placing them behind the parked cars, the cart movers just sweep straight down and carts aren't banging into my door. It is a better system, so deal with it Winter Texan.

 

Signed,

Long day and grocery shopping with morons.

[Milkman delivers]

Dear driving the wrong way in the parking lot idiot,

 

See the bright yellow arrows painted on the pavement? See all the cars facing towards you? See me trying to get down the aisle? No f***ing way I'm backing up for your dumb ass. And while we're having this parking lot discussion, why are you pulling all the way through so you can take 15 minutes pulling forward and back to get out? You could have just parked regular.

 

Oops, one more, and probably unique to the Rio Grande Valley. Yes, we place our shopping carts behind other cars after unloading. I know it isn't what you do "up north". Up north you jam them alongside cars, scrapping paint and making it a pain in the ass for the cart movers. By placing them behind the parked cars, the cart movers just sweep straight down and carts aren't banging into my door. It is a better system, so deal with it Winter Texan.

 

Signed,

Long day and grocery shopping with morons.

 

Dear Tex,

 

We have specific enclosed areas for carts, which seems much smarter than your method.

 

With love,

 

Milkman

 

To the people next door,

 

Your drunked and undoubtably drug laced parties (Yeah, I notice that Escalade there every week) that start at midnight through 5am in the morning on Tuesday night do go noticed. Keep your w****s from yelling out WOOO! Listen to MEEE! 20 feet from my bedroom window.

 

You should also get rid of that rusted POS iroc thats been sitting in your driveway for 3 years, no ones gonna buy it. If you haven't noticed, the tires are flat now.

 

Your garage with all the windows boarded up and a stack chimney coming out the top reminds me of Breaking Bad.

 

Shut your F****** DOG UP!!! Just because you don't want to listen to it, doesn't mean we have to. Get a collar or train it.

 

Signed,

 

I hate you

 

Dear Nyx,

 

What word is that?

 

Inquisitively,

 

Milkman

[Texsox]

Dear Tex,

 

We have specific enclosed areas for carts, which seems much smarter than your method.

 

With love,

 

Milkman

 

 

 

Dear Nyx,

 

What word is that?

 

Inquisitively,

 

Milkman

 

Dear Milkman,

 

I see those corrals, and I see carts left between cars. I wish more people used them.

[Middle Buffalo]

Dear Guy in the Car Next to Me,

 

Those are windows. I can see you picking your nose. I can only imagine what you do with the "gold."

 

Signed,

Guy Dry-heaving in the Car Next to You

[bigruss]

Dear drunken student,

 

It's only 6pm and you're drunk out of your mind at a restaurant, you look like your 16, and you just threw up for 10 minutes in front of me at the restaurant. You also were in the bathroom for the next 2 hours.

 

Please learn some respect and not go to a public place of eating just to throw up, and maybe learn not to get blacked out drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday.

 

Sincerely,

Hungry turned sickened student

[IamtheHBOMB]

Dear guy who declines to wash his hands (or even fake it) after taking a s***,

 

You are f***ing disgusting.

 

Signed,

Avoiding the door handle you just touched

[Middle Buffalo]

Dear guy who declines to wash his hands (or even fake it) after taking a s***,

 

You are f***ing disgusting.

 

Signed,

Avoiding the door handle you just touched

Maybe he doesn't wipe his a$$. Eliminates the need to wash the hands - and much greener.

[bigruss]

Dear guy who declines to wash his hands (or even fake it) after taking a s***,

 

You are f***ing disgusting.

 

Signed,

Avoiding the door handle you just touched

Does he atleast flush?

[IamtheHBOMB]

Does he atleast flush?

 

Dear bigruss22,

 

No.

 

Signed,

Losing faith in humanity

[iamshack]

Dear Nyx,

 

What word is that?

 

Inquisitively,

 

Milkman

Dear Milkman,

Not to speak for Nyx, but using my wonderous powers of deduction, I believe it is one of the following words:

 

1) "witches"

or

2) "wenches"

 

Hope this helps,

Shack

[Balta1701]

Dear drunken student,

 

It's only 6pm and you're drunk out of your mind at a restaurant, you look like your 16, and you just threw up for 10 minutes in front of me at the restaurant. You also were in the bathroom for the next 2 hours.

 

Please learn some respect and not go to a public place of eating just to throw up, and maybe learn not to get blacked out drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday.

 

Sincerely,

Hungry turned sickened student

Sudden memory of one of my friends...

[iamshack]

Sudden memory of one of my friends...

Dear Balta,

This is a thread containing open letters.

 

Your lack of an inner-monologue (and the resulting inadherence to form) would play better in our other threads.

 

Please place your future rantings in the form of an open letter.

 

Sincerely,

Anal Bastard

[farmteam]

Dear drunken student,

 

It's only 6pm and you're drunk out of your mind at a restaurant, you look like your 16, and you just threw up for 10 minutes in front of me at the restaurant. You also were in the bathroom for the next 2 hours.

 

Please learn some respect and not go to a public place of eating just to throw up, and maybe learn not to get blacked out drunk before 6pm on a Tuesday.

 

Sincerely,

Hungry turned sickened student

 

Hey, I enjoy $2 Tuesdays as much as everyone.

 

Err...

 

Dear cold that is currently wreaking havoc on the pressure in my head,

 

Go away.

 

Sincerely,

Mr. Angry

[ZoomSlowik]

Dear college basketball refs,

 

There is no quota for fouls called in a college basketball game. If neither team reaches the bonus in the first half, that doesn't mean that both teams have to shoot 20 free throws in the second half. The only thing it accomplishes is killing the pace and continuity of the game. No one wants to see both teams repeatedly march to the free throw line, so learn to swallow the whistle a bit.

 

sincerely,

 

An annoyed fan

[ChiSox_Sonix]

Dear Me on Sunday,

 

When all of your friends seem to be getting sick and as usual you are not, DO NOT proudly announce "oh i never get sick" to everyone who is there with you. Because now, well, guess what???

 

Sincerely,

 

Should Have Seen That One Coming

[Texsox]

Dear idiot, smug, condescending, snarky, mocking, kid in my last class,

 

I was laughing with you because I just added the fifth item to your discipline pyramid. You will not be attending the pep rally or the Christmas Party. You are also one step closer to 30 days at the alternative school. I am still laughing because you have no idea what is about to fall down around your ears.

 

Signed,

Your dedicated Teacher

[Nyx81]

Dear Milkman,

Not to speak for Nyx, but using my wonderous powers of deduction, I believe it is one of the following words:

 

1) "witches"

or

2) "wenches"

 

Hope this helps,

Shack

 

 

Dear shack,

 

Kindly, no. I was going for (rhymes with doors). Those are ok substitutions. Thanks though.

 

I'll just type it next time,

 

Nyx81

[iamshack]

Dear shack,

 

Kindly, no. I was going for (rhymes with doors). Those are ok substitutions. Thanks though.

 

I'll just type it next time,

 

Nyx81

Dear Nyx,

Apparently I am no Sherlock Holmes.

 

In the future I will tend to my own matters.

 

I do kind of prefer "witches" though.

 

My sincerest apologies,

Shack.

Edited December 2, 2010 by iamshack

[witesoxfan]

Dear guy who was singing "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" on Monday when we had -10 degree wind chills and barely any snow,

 

THAT IS NOT A f***ING WINTER WONDERLAND YOU IDIOT, IT'S f***ING HELL

 

Signed,

 

Freezing my ass off

[The Beast]

Dear random roommate:

 

Please do not comment on every sport imaginable as well as your college major, as I do not give a rat's ass about your career as a small market sportscaster. It might be helpful for you to take your medication so that your aspergers symptoms do not constantly flare up and bother the people that live around you by talking about 90 percent sports-related topics.

 

Regards,

Graduating in May (Finally!)

Edited December 2, 2010 by MuckFinnesota

[bigruss]

Got a few tongiht:

 

Dear Fans of bad NFL teams,

 

Stop b****ing about poor referring, it happens on both sides and is not an excuse for your team to keep losing. Start complaining about how poorly your team played or how they always lose games in the second half (Lions!).

 

Sincerely,

Guy who is reminded of the Bartman-Cubs Situation when it comes to fans b****ing

 

 

 

Dear girls from last night,

 

It was completely unexpected but completely awesome that you were all over me last night. Just a reminder, I am available for jsut a few more weeks until I go abroad, so get it while you can!

 

Sincerely,

Best night ever

[Quin]

Dear Biology Teacher

 

My god you suck at teaching. Not only do you teach our material after you require us to do the assignment, I am currently writing an essay about "My Day in Chicago". This is an AP Biology Class, not a 7th grade science course. This is why my paper is sarcastic.

 

Sincerely,

 

Dropping your class next semester.

[Balta1701]

Dear Biology Teacher

 

My god you suck at teaching. Not only do you teach our material after you require us to do the assignment, I am currently writing an essay about "My Day in Chicago". This is an AP Biology Class, not a 7th grade science course. This is why my paper is sarcastic.

 

Sincerely,

 

Dropping your class next semester.

Dear Quinarvy

 

Be creative. Write the essay about the wide variety of bacteria and viruses you're exposed to on a typical day in Chicago.

 

Sincerely

 

-Balta

[The Critic]

Dear Right Hamstring,

 

Let me start by once again apologizing for initially pulling you while running out a home run 20 years ago.

That said, it's becoming increasingly irritating to have you go POP every time I ask you to do something even remotely strenuous now.

Seriously, RH? Popping from SHOVELING????

 

Sincerely pissed,

The Rest of My Flabby, Broken Body

 

 

 

Dear Obnoxiously Cheery Winter Lovers,

 

f*** off. Move to Minnesota, Canada or Alaska if you love it so much.

 

Sincerely,

f*** Winter

 

 

 

 

Dear CTA,

 

Just a quick note to remind you that you're inept and useless.

 

Always,

Wishing I Had Another Way To Get To Work

 

 

 

 

Dear Marty Turco,

 

Positional goaltending is not against the rules. You don't have to crawl around the blue paint on all fours or make snow angels while opponents collect that rebound you gave up.

 

Yours Truly,

Please Play Better